I’m part of the Sandwich Generation. I’m a mom with young kids and a caregiver to an aging parent. Sandwiched is exactly how I feel. I feel crushed by two opposing responsibilities. It’s a tough place to be.
It’s exhausting caring for an aging parent. I’m no longer the daughter but the nurse, housekeeper, and parent to my parent. Except with a grown adult, I can’t put them in timeout. I can’t tell them not to order nonsense from Amazon. I can’t tell them to take their meds or even throw in the tub to bathe.
I can’t keep up with the needs of my father and the needs of my children. My father’s health issues are where I can no longer help with them. There is also some mental illness to deal with. Since I have children I feel like they need me more than my parent.
My father had to go to the hospital. In the hospital, they did all they could. He died on May 2, 2019.
I realized my intentions were good when my father moved into my home. However, my expectations were naive. I didn’t realize I would have to parent a grown adult. But that’s what it was like for me.
My father has passed away. While he was in the hospital I focused on quality time with him. That included holding his hand and reading to him. We watched TV together.
There are many options for being a caregiver to your aging parent. It’s also okay if you can’t do it and they need to go to a facility that can take care of their needs. It’s okay to get in-home help. I wish I had explored other options with my father and asked for more help. Check with your local hospital and senior centers for information. Check out groups on Facebook. I’ve found comfort in some closed groups.
Count the cost before your parent moves in with you. Get them enrolled in adequate healthcare so if they need in-home care, it will be covered. Set boundaries with them especially if it’s your home. It’s ok to say no to them. Get all their important information in one place. My mother-in-law has an awesome folder for her and her mom with burial information, power of attorney, life insurance policies, etc so if her mom or herself is not mentally competent anyone can step in and take care of personal business.
If your parent is a hoarder especially an extreme hoarder, do not expect them to change in your home. Hoarding is a serious mental illness and needs to be treated by a healthcare professional and an organizer who specializes in dealing with hoarders. If untreated, you can clean the hoard, but it will come back without professional help.
Be aware of how to prevent elder abuse. Yes, you may have your parent in the safety of your home but the parent may make choices that aren’t in their best interest. So don’t be afraid to get Adult Protective Services involved if your parent is not making choices that are beneficial and healthy to themselves.
My dad constantly refused health care even though it was best for him. I had to be ok with him being an adult and making an unwise choice. Calling Adult Protective Services was hard but it was necessary to protect my father from himself. He did get the help he needed but it was too little too late.
Get your siblings involved. Try to be on the same page. It’s key to be a united front. This way the siblings can help you out. If you are an only child get your parents’ siblings involved if possible or a network of friends to assist you.
My family spent quality time with my father and worked with his healthcare team to make him comfortable in his last days. I’m heartbroken he’s passed away. It’s so hard.
I hope this blog will help someone who’s struggling with the decision to be a caregiver or who is overwhelmed as a caregiver. There is help out there I promise. I wish I had found the help I needed for my dad.
For now, my family is getting grief counseling and rest.
